January 2009

God I hate reading the submissions pages of magazines. “Calling all writers with a creative edge,” as though creativity is a bloody sword dripping somewhere in your closet, but cooler, hipper, with twice the depth and colour!

“We want something different from the mainstream!”  These guidelines weren’t written by a writer, they were written by a politician! ‘We must dodge any statements that give concrete information, or the public will think we aren’t edgy and subversive!’  To me it reads: We are special, you can be almost as special as us, but only if you conform to our standards of creative edginess (and only if your brand of creative edge is recognised by Ourstream). I slump, knowing I’ll never master the flippant and yet oh-so-deeply caring tone of the other writers in these magazines.

I’d try and start my own publication, but I wouldn’t get past editing the submissions page.



I think he looks cuttingly handsome!

I think he looks cuttingly handsome!


So somehow over Christmas, amid the games of trivial pursuit and the seeing of Hugh Jackman in Australia (I blocked out all the other bits…perhaps more on that later), we got to talking about the Woody Allen film Vicky Christina Barcelona for which we’d seen previews, and the upcoming Wolverine movie. And somehow from this miasma of conversational dribble, a mutant child was born…

Woody Allen…Stars as Wolverine

Which I figured would go a little something like this…


Woodverine: I’m gonna slash you, should I slash you? Right there? Okay. Well now my claws are coming out, no, they’re retracting again. Oh, there we go, (There is the sound of claws going in and out squeekily). Oh, sorry Miss I didn’t mean to…Oh, and now I’m tangled, we’re tangled up.

Girl: Watch out Woodverine, Sabertooth is coming…

Woodverine (to Sabertooth): Woah! Hold on. Put those away! You could…you could probably put somebody’s eye out with those! That’s dangerous! And, and, and violent! And here I am trying to have a nice conversation with this girl, and you’re being all violent! And I don’t get to meet many nice girls, you know, so just, just, just back off!

Woodverine and his girl ride off into the sunset on a rickety Segue.


Well I’m off to see Vicky Christina Barcelona now, just so I can get the memory of Australia out of my head. Thoughts will follow.